Neediness

She told me this morning that my emotional neediness would keep me from having good relationships.

Yes, in comparison to Rhys and Mom, I am emotionally needy.
They handle bad situations on their own, don't really cry or share or express.
I handle the bad differently, I do cry and share and express .... but only to them.
The two most emotionally self-reliant, un-expressive people in my life, the ones that look at me helplessly when I cry and try to talk about my feelings.
I can see the words "does-not-compute" blinking.
These are the ones that I turn to when things fall apart.

And the reason I would turn to these two people who would rather I didn't...
Because I have learned from these two people that I shouldn't share my emotions,
that no one wants to hear them,
that I make people uncomfortable when I do share them.

You'd think I'd just stop sharing or feeling by now. And I think both of them would be thankful I did. And maybe my appearance of emotional neediness would fade. Maybe I'd be more like them: self-sufficient, self-contained, autonomous, handle-it-on-my-own-and-move-on, let-it-go, let-it-roll-off-and-not-affect-me, do-nothing, stop-caring type of people. That's the advice I typically get.

And I've tried. Don't get me wrong.

But it hasn't worked. I am an affected, reflective, receptive, expressive, action-oriented, care-too-much, confront-too-often, cry-to-get-it-out, talk-to-understand, then-do-something-to-change-it type of person. And I like me. Now. I don't need to be them. But obviously I need to stop turning to them.

But that's the harder part.

I can't cry to a friend without apologizing, feeling guilty, regretting it, convinced they won't want to talk to me again, or that I have burdened them, inconvenienced them. I've been told by the two people I turn to that people don't really want to listen.

It's funny, my complex. I saw a counselor after I split with my ex because I wanted someone to talk to and I had a lot to say, and the two people I turn to had made it clear I had exceeded the amount of time they wanted to talk about it. I didn't have anything wrong with me except that I needed someone to share my feelings with. But every time I went into the office I apologized for talking.

I only turn to the people I expect to love me no matter what when I really have to cry. Because I don't want to feel embarrassed, I don't want to feel judged, I don't want to feel like I should apologize for crying. But I always do feel that way.

Love is different from acceptance and it definitely doesn't prevent judgment.

And it seems so obvious now. I think I have been working towards it for a while, as I get more confident, accept myself. My feelings are not the problem, are not a problem. I don't need to hide them away and only take them out with two people I trust.

I have raced to help my friends when they break down and need someone.
Why would I think no one would want to help me?
I have wanted to listen when people have needed to share.
Why would I think people wouldn't want to listen to me?
And I have offered advice when people wanted it without judgment on them or their feelings?
Why would I be afraid of being judged?
I know they are more than their lowest moment.
So, why would I be afraid of my lowest moment defining me.
And I am still there for them?
Why would I be afraid they wouldn't still be there for me.

Sure there are some friends I have had who have called me in a crisis only to complain or ignore when I call on them. But those aren't the friends I want.
And I am still glad to have helped them in their moment. I am proud of those moments. I am proud that people turn to me. I think it is my effort to keep someone from ever feeling ashamed or embarrassed for feeling.

I know how important it can be at times to have someone to lean on, and I don't want to let someone else feel like they aren't supposed to lean, that they aren't supposed to feel, that feeling is wrong. I don't want anyone to apologize (as I have done) for calling someone when they needed to talk, apologize for crying when things hurt, apologize for not keeping it to themselves, for burdening someone else.

And I am saying this now because it needs to be said. I am not emotionally needy. Breaking down from time to time is not needy, is not wrong. And I will not feel ashamed because I feel. And I am not doomed to poor relationships, because I do it differently. How dare you imply that? How dare you suggest that fear? I am already afraid to cry in front of my friends. And I am working on that.

I have never stated the opposite, that people who are self-contained, who don't share will have problems in relationships. Because that fails to acknowledge the vast variety of people in the world. You should know that better than anyone.

And the disclaimer at the beginning saying, "I don't have it all figured out" does not negate the impact of your words or remove the responsibility of saying them. Nobody has it figured out. The disclaimer doesn't need to be said. And words matter. That's inevitable, regardless of the limits to knowledge and understanding. And your next step is always to say, "Then I won't offer my advice." That's fine. Your method is to withdraw. That's not mine.