The Real Break-UP
I never expected it to happen.
Not in a million years.
I would rail at people who would become complacent, but that is exactly what I had done.
You depend on something for 5 years, you trust in it and then BAM! Over.
I spent 5 weeks not knowing where the BAM was coming from.
No answers. No idea. I know now. I was an ugly way to find out.
Now, the sneaky thing about hindsight is that NOW I can see the deterioration of the relationship. I can see the fraying edges, the snags, the tears and, finally, the rip. But, while you are in something, you a typically very blind to it.
I can say with all honesty that Justin and I had something that most people dream of. I haven’t romanticized it or idealized it. I knew what I had, I fought not to let it go and I mourned its destruction. What is amazing is that I can say all of this and not want it back.
What we had was amazing, but it also stifled us. We entered it young, before we knew ourselves. We grew strong in it and then hit a ceiling and got stuck. The problem wasn’t with the love, the relationship or the connection. I do think that Justin and I were soul mates. We fit, like Legos. The problem was with ourselves. We both needed to grow up. We loved the other but never really loved ourselves and that is completely detrimental to a relationship. It’s funny, because in the relationship, in a general sense, Justin was selfless and I was selfish. Then, at the end of our relationship, Justin got selfish and I got selfless. Man, we needed a middle ground badly.
I don’t want it back because I have learned to love myself and this wouldn’t have happened if we had stayed together. I have looked at all of the angles and can’t see a way that we would have figured ourselves out if we had stayed where we were at. We never had a chance to be independent. We needed that, because we used the other person like a crutch.
Now I AM sad about the context of the break-up. Justin cheated on me and didn’t tell me. And what all of his friends have compulsively done since I found out, is try to validate it.
Things I have heard –
1. He didn’t really cheat. It was only flirtation.
A week before he proposed to me, there was a message board of his that detailed a “flirtatious” conversation with a girl involving booze and sex and them getting some. I don’t give a shit if their relationship was never consummated. That conversation is cheating, emotional cheating. If you lie to your partner or do something that you can’t tell the other one about, it’s cheating. He had no right proposing to me.
The sad thing is I was very clear to him on how I felt about cheating. I had suspicions and I gave Justin multiple opportunities to tell me, point blank asking. He convinced me over and over that it was in my head. I trusted him and denied my gut. We had serious arguments and issues for four months and this dishonesty and disloyalty was at the heart of it.
2. He is having a quarter of a century crisis.
This does not validate the decisions he has made. This argument implies that when we go through difficult times where we question ourselves that somehow it is alright to treat people poorly. That’ll help us find ourselves.
3. He is a guy.
This is bull. I am perfectly fine accepting that guys have higher sexual needs, but that does not mean they have a higher capacity to lie, and that being sexual means being immoral. Guys everywhere should be offended by this and would be, unless they are liars. I am amazed at what people tell themselves to make themselves feel better. Nothing makes me think more that we live in a patriarchal society.
4. It was a long time coming
Then end it sooner. Why hang on and hurt people more? Be honest, be strong, move on.
Not in a million years.
I would rail at people who would become complacent, but that is exactly what I had done.
You depend on something for 5 years, you trust in it and then BAM! Over.
I spent 5 weeks not knowing where the BAM was coming from.
No answers. No idea. I know now. I was an ugly way to find out.
Now, the sneaky thing about hindsight is that NOW I can see the deterioration of the relationship. I can see the fraying edges, the snags, the tears and, finally, the rip. But, while you are in something, you a typically very blind to it.
I can say with all honesty that Justin and I had something that most people dream of. I haven’t romanticized it or idealized it. I knew what I had, I fought not to let it go and I mourned its destruction. What is amazing is that I can say all of this and not want it back.
What we had was amazing, but it also stifled us. We entered it young, before we knew ourselves. We grew strong in it and then hit a ceiling and got stuck. The problem wasn’t with the love, the relationship or the connection. I do think that Justin and I were soul mates. We fit, like Legos. The problem was with ourselves. We both needed to grow up. We loved the other but never really loved ourselves and that is completely detrimental to a relationship. It’s funny, because in the relationship, in a general sense, Justin was selfless and I was selfish. Then, at the end of our relationship, Justin got selfish and I got selfless. Man, we needed a middle ground badly.
I don’t want it back because I have learned to love myself and this wouldn’t have happened if we had stayed together. I have looked at all of the angles and can’t see a way that we would have figured ourselves out if we had stayed where we were at. We never had a chance to be independent. We needed that, because we used the other person like a crutch.
Now I AM sad about the context of the break-up. Justin cheated on me and didn’t tell me. And what all of his friends have compulsively done since I found out, is try to validate it.
Things I have heard –
1. He didn’t really cheat. It was only flirtation.
A week before he proposed to me, there was a message board of his that detailed a “flirtatious” conversation with a girl involving booze and sex and them getting some. I don’t give a shit if their relationship was never consummated. That conversation is cheating, emotional cheating. If you lie to your partner or do something that you can’t tell the other one about, it’s cheating. He had no right proposing to me.
The sad thing is I was very clear to him on how I felt about cheating. I had suspicions and I gave Justin multiple opportunities to tell me, point blank asking. He convinced me over and over that it was in my head. I trusted him and denied my gut. We had serious arguments and issues for four months and this dishonesty and disloyalty was at the heart of it.
2. He is having a quarter of a century crisis.
This does not validate the decisions he has made. This argument implies that when we go through difficult times where we question ourselves that somehow it is alright to treat people poorly. That’ll help us find ourselves.
3. He is a guy.
This is bull. I am perfectly fine accepting that guys have higher sexual needs, but that does not mean they have a higher capacity to lie, and that being sexual means being immoral. Guys everywhere should be offended by this and would be, unless they are liars. I am amazed at what people tell themselves to make themselves feel better. Nothing makes me think more that we live in a patriarchal society.
4. It was a long time coming
Then end it sooner. Why hang on and hurt people more? Be honest, be strong, move on.
posted by tayjay at 10:21 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home