Starting Fresh - Behavior Modification
The purpose of this site is changing. I am using this space to produce and record. This site will produce through creation and understanding. I am hugely analytical. I can dissect a thought into a million pieces and continually rearrange them into new perspectives. This means, I often think myself out of a thought and lose track of what I really think. Writing flows out from me and puts into a solid state what I genuinely think. I gain insight into myself based on what I write. That gives me direction. This is how the site will produce. It is producing clarity. It is also going to record my life. I need evidence, memories of the experiences I am going through. I used this site arrogantly in the past. I haven’t deleted any of the previous blogs, so you can see for yourself. I used this site arrogantly to document my perfect life with my perfect boyfriend in our perfect house with our perfect dogs and our perfect love. I was proud, vain, cocky.
It is all gone.
And you know what, it wasn’t so perfect. 5 years fell apart a month ago. I have had to look very closely at myself and at the pieces I pick up and put back together. Imagine being in a relationship with a person who convinced you that you were perfect. You knew you were flawed but no one pointed out how. This was me. I didn’t think I was perfect. FAR FROM IT. Justin didn’t think I was perfect. FAR FROM IT. Justin simply didn’t tell me, and that silence ate away at what we had and now our “perfect” match is gone. I have to say, it is hard to truly look at yourself, recognize your flaws and change them. I finally looked at myself with unbiased eyes. I saw things I really didn’t like, and things that I loved and things that I wanted to become. This is me growing up and into the person I want to be.
At the beginning of this fresh start, there is going to be a lot of talk about the past. This blog is going to be bogged down with that mess. Sorry, but it has to be. That mess is the catalyst. It has prompted this new start.
It is all gone.
And you know what, it wasn’t so perfect. 5 years fell apart a month ago. I have had to look very closely at myself and at the pieces I pick up and put back together. Imagine being in a relationship with a person who convinced you that you were perfect. You knew you were flawed but no one pointed out how. This was me. I didn’t think I was perfect. FAR FROM IT. Justin didn’t think I was perfect. FAR FROM IT. Justin simply didn’t tell me, and that silence ate away at what we had and now our “perfect” match is gone. I have to say, it is hard to truly look at yourself, recognize your flaws and change them. I finally looked at myself with unbiased eyes. I saw things I really didn’t like, and things that I loved and things that I wanted to become. This is me growing up and into the person I want to be.
At the beginning of this fresh start, there is going to be a lot of talk about the past. This blog is going to be bogged down with that mess. Sorry, but it has to be. That mess is the catalyst. It has prompted this new start.
posted by tayjay at 9:30 AM
1 Comments:
So I'm the only comment, and I realize you are mainly writing for yourself and not for comments. But here's my comment all the same.
I love your honesty, and vulnerability. You are speaking for more than yourself. You are speaking for every "swollen heart" out there, and for everyone gaining clarity in this world= all of us.
I love you, and I find your words especially the raw ones- inspiring.
Glad you're finding YOU because I love YOU.
Post a Comment
<< Home