Dust Doesn't Always Blind

I have spent the better part of my life trying to be older than I am.
Mature, responsible, wise, aware, adult-like – I wanted all that and I walked quite determinedly towards those adjectives and missed a few steps along the way.
But I kept going – step – step – step right off the edge.

And when I finally figured out that we can’t control our lives by drawing out the lines we live within, that we can’t just reach out and grasp what we want, that we are subjected to the vagaries and variations just like anyone else, and that, no matter how determined we are, we can’t bypass our lives just to reach a conclusion, I looked back at what I had leapfrogged past. I saw a learning experience, not a class I could test out of by making a good score. And I – in defiance of every way I had approached life to date – regressed.

I was reckless and it erased my righteousness. I was reckless and learned from the wrecks. I was reckless and wrapped myself around life without restrictions for a brief moment in time. I told myself not to worry for once. To live for now, not use now as a tool to take me somewhere next. And sure, I’d be embarrassed if it was worth it. Instead, I am rather proud to have digressed for a bit.

And now, I have reached the end of a rather tumultuous journey by tumbling off the bus, stumbling down, uncomfortable on my feet without the swagger to carry them around. And the bus went on with people who bought that ticket and took that ride, and I am left with dust in the air, in my eyes.

And I see clearly now. I see myself clearly now.